AND ANOTHER THING

From the ever-changing liquor licensing laws to the responsible service of alcohol, there are so many things going on in the industry these days, it’s a wonder anyone can keep up with it all.
Two industry experts have gotten together to wax lyrical about the state of the scene.

Lemon Squeezer is a London bartender who has lived in Australia for 12 years and Likely Ladd is a brand ambassador, based in the southern capital.*

Likely Ladd: You know what I think is embarrassing Lemon Squeezer, it’s having a Prime Minister called Kevin. I mean, Kevin!
Lemon Squeezer: Yeah, that’s pretty lame, but you know what’s getting up my nose is responsible service of alcohol, or what I’m calling irresponsible service of responsible service of alcohol. Now, there’s a whole other certificate for the fridge door - IS of RSA.
LL: John. Now there’s a name for a Prime Minister. John the Baptist, John Wayne, all the Johns I’ve ever known have been solid characters, dependable.
LS: Ugh, so I was in a bar the other night with four friends. We wanted to order some shots of nice rum to go with our pints of beer but were refused to be served shots by the bar staff as they had a no shots policy, due to some idiots causing problems a few weeks before in their bar.
LL: How about Bill? Bill’s a good name, like Wild Bill Hickock. Bill - he’s the kind of guy that likes a beer with the boys.
LS: The bar staff were unclear as to whether the trouble makers had been drinking shots or not but they were certainly very vague on why I should have to pay for some other idiots’ bad behaviour. It would seem I definitely had not met these losers but, there I was being punished for their indiscretions!
LS: I’m quite capable of getting myself into enough trouble in life without having to be held responsible for every other idiot walking around using up my oxygen.
LS: When I drink too much I just tend to tell very long and interesting stories and occasionally cuddle a few people, which really harms no one unless it happens to be your leg I’m trying to mate with.
LS: When I asked the staff what would happen to all the premium booze they had sitting on their back bar now that we weren’t allowed to drink it, they had no idea how they would sell it as it was normally sold in a shot or neat form.
LL: He’s the pale kid with glasses that tells the teacher on you for stealing his milk money.
LS: So, I have a proposal to fix my drinking being disturbed by idiots behaving badly. In Australia we have a driver licensing system where we start off with 12 points and, every time we do something illegal, we have points deducted from our license until we get to zero and then we get a ban for a period of time.
LL: Imagine Kevin turning up to represent us at the UN and he gets his lunch money stolen by Gordon Brown or, worse still, that Nelson Mandela. I mean he’s ninety! We’d be the laughing stock of the world.
LS: So, instead of my drinking schedule being interrupted, what I propose is that once we identify one of these idiots they are given a “drinking license” and every time they steal a fire extinguisher, urinate in a pot plant or steal a disabled person’s wheelchair, they lose three points until they reach zero.
LL: A drinking license? So, instead of going to department of vehicle licensing, they’d go to the department of drinking licensing. What would happen when they lost all their points? A drinking ban?
LS: Put them into good old fashioned stocks - for the life of me I can’t think why stocks ever went out of fashion - outside of the venue where their last crime was committed, to be pelted with rotten tomatoes, beer dregs and urinated on by stray dogs.
LL: I like it, could we put people called Kevin in them too?
*Names have been changed