A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME

Lemon Squeezer and Likely Ladd are back this month, to discuss the merits of service and the defining moment when a bartender becomes a mixologist. Lemon Squeezer is a London bartender who has lived in Australia for 12 years and Likely Ladd is a brand ambassador, based in the southern capital.*

Likely Ladd: Hey, I went to that new bar up the street last night - it was pretty fancy! The weirdest thing was that after I’d been there a while, the bartender tried to tell me he had myxomatosis. What on earth did he mean LS, isn’t that bad breath?
Lemon Squeezer: No LL, bad breath is halatosis and myxomatosis is a disease that affects rabbits. You sure your bartender didn’t call himself a mixologist?
LL: Oh maybe - his breath didn’t seem that bad and I’m pretty sure there wasn’t any rabbit on the menu. What’s a mixologist?
LS: It’s a term bartenders are using nowadays to make themselves feel important, rather than spending their time going about the business of entertaining and serving customers.
LL: Wow, who thought of that and where did they find the time? What’s wrong with being a bartender, aren’t they proud of the time-honoured tradition of tending bar anymore? Isn’t that a lot like calling a park-keeper an inner-urban maintenance professional?
LS: “O, be some other name! What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet.”
LL: What’s this got to do with roses?
LS: It’s Shakespeare, it means; what matters is what something is, not what it is called. I went to another new bar with my friend that’s visiting for the week; they had half a dozen customers all sitting down. The bar looked very well-stocked and there were two bartenders serving, so my friend and I thought we’d stand at the bar and take the bartenders’ guidance on what to drink. After about three or four minutes of standing at the bar, the two bartenders carried on talking amongst themselves and ignoring us. So I decided to call over and ask if it was ok to be served at the bar or if it was indeed table service?
One of the bartenders shuffled over to us and asked what we would like, without bothering to greet us in any way or try to make us feel welcome. So we thought it a good idea to just order a spirit and mixer to start off with, as he obviously didn’t seem that interested in mixing us much more than that.
LL: I hate that, why would you work in a bar if you can’t be bothered being friendly to people? It makes no sense.
LS: Oh, it gets worse! After begrudgingly serving us, these guys returned to the back bar and proceeded to carry on their conversation with their backs to the room, totally ignoring the next customer who came in and eventually left un-served after five minutes of just waiting patiently at the bar.
LL: I think I’m starting to see the difference between a bartender and a mixologist. LS: A bartender tends bar and works his room right from the front door, making customers feel welcome and at home in his venue - his home. He hosts a party that all are welcome to join. A mixologist, by the very nature of his taking the time to call himself such a nonsensical name, is preoccupied with his own grandeur. He has already spent more time on his job title than he will any customer.
LL: Do you think it could be something to do with the rabbit?
LS: The rabbit?
LL: Well the fact that the mixologist ate that rabbit with the disease. Do you think that’s why he has the bad breath and is uncomfortable serving customers? Maybe he just needs a packet of mints and then he can go back to tending bar.
*Names have been changed